My Children Are My World

My children are my world! They mean everything to mechildren1 and I wouldn’t know where I would be if I didn’t have them in my life. They are, truly, my blessings from God. Now, it took me a long time to realize why God made me a mother. When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, Elijah, I was scared and didn’t know what to expect. I felt the same way when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Emiyah, when Elijah was just five months old. When I was pregnant with my youngest son, Edwin Jr., I was, literally, in denial for months because of these same exact feelings. My children’s father found out he had Congestive Heart Failure two weeks before I had Elijah. We made the decision, from there, that I would work, and he would stay home and take care of Elijah, then Emiyah, and then Edwin Jr. After all of my pregnancies, because I was the only one working, and I was on a temporary job status with the county, they held my job, until I was able to come back. I went back to work after being out four weeks with all of my children. This was a decision I made on my own, even though at times my children’s father would beg me to wait longer, but I knew what had to be done. During this time, I only had a short time to bond, fully, with my children. I worked long hours and after getting home so late, I was so tired. Over the years, I’ve tried to build a better bond with my children, even while working to provide. Especially, now, with their father not here, I feel I have had to love them deeper and more wisely.

Last week, Emiyah’s allergies started to make her sick. She kept a fever, continuously sneezed, and had very puffy, watery eyes. With her not feeling well, I tried to console her as best I knew how, but she would look me in my eyes and tell me, “I want my daddy.” Every time she said these words, it hurt a little more and more each time. I know that it wasn’t her fault, but it made me reevaluate my relationships with my children, especially her, being that I always wanted to have a special relationship with her like I had, and still have, with my mother. Her wanting her father made me think about how many times I took off work to take care of them or how many nights I stayed up to watch over them while they were sick. To tell you the truth, I could not think of many. Their father was there through it all, and not only because he had to be, but he really wanted to be.

Now, their father’s parenting skills were a lot different than mine. He believed in training his boys to be strong men, which often meant being a lot harder on them to get them to understand certain things. But, on the other hand, he treated his girls like princesses. He believed that if he did this, they would not allow just any man to come in their lives and treat them any less than what they deserve. I believe in treating all of my children the same. I know that it’s not achildren3lways possible, but I try my best to never allow myself to show favoritism towards my children. I grew up, and even still today, seeing almost every day the boys being treated like princes and the girls being placed behind, almost nonexistent. I promised myself, to eliminate me treating one better than the other, I would do the same for all. Now, don’t think that I am bashing their father’s parenting skills, but with now having to raise them alone, I’m looking for the best ways to teach them certain things. I believe, solely, in the statement, “it takes a village”, but everybody’s way may not be the right way or the way that works for your child. There are some children who require other reinforcements or care, so to speak.

This process is a learning process for me. I’ve learned so much in the past few months about myself and my children to last me a lifetime, but I know that there is still room to grow and learn. My biggest prayer in life, involving my children, is for them to grow in God and never limit themselves. And I, also, want them to always remember that their father loved them so much more than they could ever know. This world is so unpredictable and your life can change in a matter of seconds. I am thankful to have a second (or thousandth) chance at life as a mother and as a person. As I stated before, and I will always say, I’m following God with my children in tow.


Decisions, Decisions….


I can, honestly, say that I am not good at making my own decisions. Let me rephrase, I’m not good at making quick decisions. My mother gets after me all the time about making a decision quick, and sometimes, without having a second to think about the ending result. Now, hear me out. I like to weigh out all of my options. I like to think about how will it make me feel, how will it affect my children, how will it change my life, whether for the better or for the worse, and these are just a few questions I have when coming to a conclusion of what to do. I have to do this in order to help myself believe that I am making the right decision. Now, don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of times where I didn’t think twice about a presented opportunity and just went ahead with what was in my heart or my head, whichever felt right at the time. Many of those times where I have made these quick, un-thought out decisions, I have had to deal with the repercussions from it. So, since I have had so many unwelcome outcomes, I tend to take a long time to decide, especially  it involves my well-being or that of my children. Hey, I’m human and I know that I’m not going to get it right every time, but I can at least get as close to it as possible.

Now, you may ask why am I so indecisive. It mostly started when I was younger. As a child, everything I said or did was analyzed. I may have had the intentions of meaning one thing, but it was, most of the time, taken out of context. Then, sometimes, I would try to make a decision based on instructions that were given to me, without having to call and verify what was told to me, and at the end of the day, I end up regretting agreeing to do the task at hand. These actions made me stop, when asked a question, to pause and think about what I was going to say and what the outcome was going to be after I answered this question. Then, my pause would cause an even bigger mess than what I could have ever imagined, where I would sometimes leave hurt and, moreover, confused.

I guess you can say, this indecisiveness has started to show as a small hindrance to my growth at times as a person,  and mostly as a mother making all the decisions for my family. I am not ashamed to say that sometimes I am afraid of the choices that I make, more so because of the outcome. But what I have learned in my 27 years of life, is that you can never be afraid to try. Like I said before, I’m not going to get it right every time, but i can get as close to it as possible.

Fire & Ice

Ice- Once touched, the sensation of it only last for a short period of time. If held too long, whatever touches it most of the time becomes numb or the ice will fade before.

Fire- When touched, the sensation is unforgettable. Most of the time it leaves a mark to remind you how it felt, but if you stay there too long, whatever touches it will either withers away or loses it’s value.

I came up with this conclusion after finding myself in a very awkward position in my close relationships. There seemed to be a pattern. Of course, being human, fire is always going to be more enticing because it’s exciting, you can become mesmerized by its beauty, and, moreover, it’s untouchable. You never really think twice about ice because it’s only there for that brief time, or what you just needed at the moment. Whether we want to admit it or not, as humans, we use other humans to get what we want or need. You can come up with your own many examples. Being newly single, I have had to cling more to God and what he wants me to do. I have found that depending on people to give you what you want or need, or what you think you want or need, can never be fully fulfilled because they are human just like you.