I can, honestly, say that I am not good at making my own decisions. Let me rephrase, I’m not good at making quick decisions. My mother gets after me all the time about making a decision quick, and sometimes, without having a second to think about the ending result. Now, hear me out. I like to weigh out all of my options. I like to think about how will it make me feel, how will it affect my children, how will it change my life, whether for the better or for the worse, and these are just a few questions I have when coming to a conclusion of what to do. I have to do this in order to help myself believe that I am making the right decision. Now, don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of times where I didn’t think twice about a presented opportunity and just went ahead with what was in my heart or my head, whichever felt right at the time. Many of those times where I have made these quick, un-thought out decisions, I have had to deal with the repercussions from it. So, since I have had so many unwelcome outcomes, I tend to take a long time to decide, especially it involves my well-being or that of my children. Hey, I’m human and I know that I’m not going to get it right every time, but I can at least get as close to it as possible.
Now, you may ask why am I so indecisive. It mostly started when I was younger. As a child, everything I said or did was analyzed. I may have had the intentions of meaning one thing, but it was, most of the time, taken out of context. Then, sometimes, I would try to make a decision based on instructions that were given to me, without having to call and verify what was told to me, and at the end of the day, I end up regretting agreeing to do the task at hand. These actions made me stop, when asked a question, to pause and think about what I was going to say and what the outcome was going to be after I answered this question. Then, my pause would cause an even bigger mess than what I could have ever imagined, where I would sometimes leave hurt and, moreover, confused.
I guess you can say, this indecisiveness has started to show as a small hindrance to my growth at times as a person, and mostly as a mother making all the decisions for my family. I am not ashamed to say that sometimes I am afraid of the choices that I make, more so because of the outcome. But what I have learned in my 27 years of life, is that you can never be afraid to try. Like I said before, I’m not going to get it right every time, but i can get as close to it as possible.