Category Archives: Relationships

Motivation & Inspiration, Purpose, Relationships, Vision

Who Are You Stagnating in Your Comfortability?

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At the beginning of the year, I made the decision that we were going to move out of the home my children and I currently live in. We were even in the process of buying a house before I was terminated from my job of almost 10 years, which you can read about that experience here. This goal of purchasing a house had to be placed on the back burner with the idea of not receiving a loan because of no job and not enough consistent income. I made up in my mind to take my savings and pay my rent up for six months and solely work on my business. A week later, my landlord of 6 years advises me they are looking to sale the house in June. This gave me less than two months to find somewhere to move, with no job, and no thoughts to how this was going to work out – but I have my business and MY faith. (That’s another blog in itself!). Today while I was filling orders, I was reminded that they asked me to move in the month of June, which for the past few years, has been a transitional month for me and my children. Today I had to realize that this next move is strategic in so many ways like many other big moves in my life. I have lived in this house COMFORTABLY for almost 6 years paying lower than what most would for this size house (FAVOR). I didn’t have to struggle with wondering how to pay this and that many times nor have we had any disconnections (Thank you Lord!). Things were comfortable to the point I never felt as stretched as I do now. 

Talking to one of my sisters yesterday helped me realize – what if me living in this home, making preparations to stay in this place longer, stopped my landlords from moving forward with their plans for their future or where they actually needed to be. After my conversation, I heard, “Who are you stagnating in your comfortability?” Who are you holding back from moving forward because you like being in the position you are in? Many times, I’ve stayed in places, emotions, relationships, and “situationships” because they were comfortable to me. There wasn’t much work I had to do to keep it. It was what I knew. I felt staying where I was or with who I was with would cause me not to have to learn anything or anybody new or have to struggle to regain the comfortability I worked hard to obtain. But again, who was I stagnating by staying in those situations? I can even think back to my job. I stayed there because JP Court was what I knew. I didn’t want to learn anything new. I didn’t want to get to know new people. I didn’t want to be in a new position or department. I became comfortable, not only with my position, but with the emotions as well. I stagnated myself. I became comfortable with going back and forth to work feeling the way I felt because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle of even looking for another job and having fear of being uncomfortable in a new place. Is it possible, me staying at that job held up someone else’s blessing of being in a better position than they were in or even my previous coworkers? What if me staying too long made the environment worse? 

Of course, when I think of this, the story of Jonah comes to mind. Jonah was told by God to go somewhere where he did not want to go. He decided to run in the opposite direction. God sends a storm which not only effects Jonah, but it effects the people he was on the ship with. This causes Jonah to be thrown overboard just so the others could make it through the storm safely. Basically, whether we want to admit it or not, decisions that we make, not only affects ourselves individually, but it can also affect the people around and/or connected to us. Last Thursday, in bible study, my Pastor spoke on Wisdom. I realized through that lesson, I may be praying for the wrong things in this situation I am currently going through. I have been asking God for the details of what to do next and direction on where to go next when I should have been asking for wisdom to make the right decisions for myself and my children. This past month, God has shown me how He truly takes care of His children. Not that I’ve been able to handle everything on my own always, but in my flesh mind, I know that having a job and steady income is what we as humans can depend on to make ends meet. For the last month, I’ve solely leaned and depended on God to take care of me and my children. With knowing God is going to supply every need according to His riches, knowing He is going to never leave me nor forsake me, knowing I can do all things through Him that strengthens me, knowing He has plans to prosper and not to harm me, knowing He is the giver of a peace that surpasses all understanding, I don’t have to know the details. I just follow His voice, ask and believe He will grant me the wisdom and strength to make the right decisions for my life and my children. 

Relationships, Self-Love, Singleness

BROKEN PIECES IN LOVE

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Over two years ago, I was involved in a car accident. It was said that an accident happened behind me and pushed into my car. The third car spun in the air and landed to the right of me facing the other direction and I don’t even know how the car ended up on the left of me, but I was surrounded by damaged vehicles on every side except in the front. My vehicle was the only one able to be driven off the freeway, being that I only suffered damage from behind. Pieces from one of the cars sat on my bumper on the way to get the kids, on the ride home, and even on my way to work the next day, tucked over to the right side. I didn’t notice the pile of glass and screws until I was headed to lunch, while examining the damages in detail before driving off. I decided to get a piece of paper from my car and remove the pieces to the ground so I wouldn’t cut my hand, but I needed to move them out of the way in case I caused any damage to my tire trying to drive away from that spot. As I moved the pieces, I had to sweep them even further as to not damage any other person’s tires. Those broken pieces of glass lead me to believe this is how we do some of our relationships. You can either be the broken pieces sitting on someone’s bumper or you can be the holder of the broken pieces. Either way, both can be uncomfortable.

Be careful causing other’s to bleed from pieces of glass they didn’t break.

My children’s father and I were together for 6 1/2 years before he passed, which left me full of grief, bitterness, and anger. Now, at that time, I wasn’t honest with myself about those particular feelings, but one feeling I was most clear about was loneliness, which was normal after having someone laying next to you everyday for 6 years and suddenly you are alone. I was VERY reluctant on getting in another relationship after experiencing those emotions all at once. I, truly, didn’t want to believe, as a mother of three very small children at the time, I would even be liked let alone loved unconditionally by a man anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen many single mothers and fathers get into happy and long relationships after a heartbreak, but that way of thinking I had was a reflection of how I felt about myself. I didn’t have nearly the level of confidence I have in myself now compared to then.

Now, I have only had one or two serious relationships since my ex’s passing. The one thing I tried my best to consider in those relationships were not allowing that particular person to pay for the emotions brought on by someone previously. Just like the pile on my bumper, I didn’t want someone to have to hold on to my broken pieces trying to love me. I knew my heart wanted to love again, but I was afraid. I was afraid of wasting my time. I was afraid of being lied to again. I was afraid of even getting my hopes to be let down. All of those fears led me to not actually be serious about a relationship. I was just meeting guys to talk on the phone to sort of fill the void of companionship. Not saying I don’t have those fears still at times, but I’m learning when you allow God to truly guard and guide your heart, you can’t go wrong. There are situations we put ourselves in for whatever reason that may be, but I’ve found God will allow those situations to teach us lessons and show us what He might have been trying to protect us from.

Be careful trying to love people whole. You may end up losing some of your pieces.

With me trying not to have my broken pieces held, I’ve found myself being the holder of others’. One particular man I was with was deeply hurt in his previous relationship with his children’s mother. I found myself losing my marbles trying to understand why he tended to kind of shut down when things were going in a good direction. Through many conversations, I learned the hurt he experienced caused him not to be able to fully expect good in a relationship. He just wanted to “ride the waves” and I felt like I made more waves with my irrational behavior caused by me not fully understanding what I tried my best not to do in a relationship. I thought me being there and continuing to love him through everything would make it all better, but I had to learn the hard way it would never be possible. While he tried to protect me from his broken pieces, I found myself trying to piece them back together, so to speak, while literally cutting my hands in the process.

Studying the meaning of these pieces left on my car allowed me to take a step back and realize the parts I’ve played in my own heartbreak and even good relationships I messed up with my own hands. First, I had to forgive myself for those parts and trust the process of becoming whole. I knew I could never have a successful relationship if I didn’t deal with things internally within myself. I knew I wouldn’t be able to be receptive to the type of love and companionship I desired. I would just continue to cut others with my broken pieces and even ones I’ve picked up from other’s damages. Second, I had to learn how to effectively love myself. I can almost bet there are millions around the world who look in the mirror daily and find something they don’t like about themselves. I believe when you effectively love yourself, you love the good and the bad because both ultimately make up who you are. If you don’t love you, how can you expect someone else to love you? The good and the bad. We can try because I most certainly have, but the foundation of love starts in you. Love you the way you desire someone to give you love, maybe even more. Be Blessed.

Relationships, Self-Love

Redefining Ebony

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Hello family. I will refer to anyone who reads my blogs as my family because only people who care about what you are doing in your life, are family. Again, thank you for taking time. Sorry it took me so long since my first post, but the month of March was a little, or maybe a lot, more tougher than I expected. There is one subject that I find myself discussing on a day to day basis is redefining myself. Some of the things that I am going to confess are very sensitive and in no way am I putting down anyone that I speak of in this blog. Every person was a very intricate part of my life.

When I was 7-years-old, myself, my mother, and younger siblings joined a church where I continued  worshiping there until I was 20-years-old. Circumstances came around when I was about 8 or 9-years-old where my mother was faced with a choice of staying at this church or leaving along with others.  God told my mother we were to continue being members. Being a child and not understanding fully of what was going on in the “world of grown-ups”, I had no choice but to follow. Over those 13 years, I found myself beaten, battered and bruised. This abuse was not physically, but emotionally. I worked from dusk to dawn to please my pastor, but in trying, I only hurt myself more. During this time, I was being told what I was supposed be and there was a certain way I was supposed to act, not even realizing what God actually wanted me to be, but because she was following God, there we were. Throughout these years, Ebony was my name, but I did not know who Ebony truly was. I was going day-to-day just existing, literally terrified. I never knew what was next. While trying to “make myself feel better”, I found myself looking for comfort through sex. This showed that I did not care about myself or my well-being. I just wanted to stop hurting.

In May of 2008, I met Jerod, the father of my children. At that time, he had just gotten out of a relationship and I was hurting as well, so, we started a really good friendship. My apartment, that I lived in alone, was burned down to where nothing was left. At this time, I felt this was a wake-up call to get myself together. Jerod and I became a couple that August and, then, I didn’t know how to be truly committed.  Jerod loved me just that much that he stayed with me and showed me how true love can heal hurts. Then, I became “Jerod/Ebony” because it was VERY rare that you saw one without the other. I tell everyone that Jerod had me spoiled. He, absolutely, did everything that he could to make me happy and in turn, I wanted to do the same. Now, with Jerod gone, I am having to redefine who I am. Not saying Jerod did not allow me to be my own person, but like I grew up, I found myself trying to please others more, even if it made me miserable.  I just wanted to make him happy.

So, on my purpose journey, I am learning Ebony.  I’m learning what I like and don’t like.  I’m learning how to make decisions without having to consider others feelings or worry about how anyone will react. Now, I am making decisions on what is best for me and my children. In making these decisions, I am following God with my children following me.  This is truly a process, but I believe anything in life that is on it’s way to greatness, has to go through a process. Until next time, Be blessed.