Category Archives: Self-Love

My Heart is Being Held Hostage

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In life, as humans, we allow things that happen in our lives to hinder us from moving forward. I am guilty of doing this several times and not just in the past seven months, but most of my entire life. I have let fear, unhappiness, and anger cause me to become stagnant going absolutely no where. I let fear of being hurt or rejected cause me not to do something or go somewhere. I let unhappy situations or lifestyles hinder my growth as a person causing me to settle for what I did not deserve. I allowed anger to scrutinize every person I meet or come in contact with. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer want my past to hinder me from receiving what God has for me. I have learned, more now than ever, that if I am destined to have something or someone, be somebody, or go somewhere, it has to happen. The only person who can stop it is me.

In an activity with some of the ladies from my church, we had three strips of paper. On one strip, we wrote our God-given name. On the second, we wrote our nickname. On the last one, we wrote something that is important to us. As a mother, I was going to immediately say my children because they are my life. But, the woman giving the assignment stated that we could not put our children. So, I began to think about something immaterial that is important to me. My Heart. I love with so much power and might that I sometimes neglect myself, my well-being, and even my dignity. I have never regretted loving anyone with this type of love, no matter how much it hurt me in the end. In showing this type of love, my heart has been broken into several pieces many times to where I felt it could never be mended back together. Even in the mist of being in pieces, I would always allow love to be given and taken in. I have found that my heart is being held in an open glass. I’ve been holding it hostage, trying to protect it and I have found that The more and more I try, the more vulnerable I become.

I have to move forward from here. I deserve every piece of love my heart can hold. And it starts with me. I am going to love every part of me without limits. I am going to love myself with a vengeance, an unrecognizable, unexplainable force. I want this love for me to be so strong that it spills over into everything I do and who I come in contact with. I will love again and I’m going to love so hard that instead of my heart shattering, if it is ever hurt again, it will have just a missing piece. My love will be so strong that I can put it back.

Redefining Ebony

Hello family. I will refer to anyone who reads my blogs as my family because only people who care about what you are doing in your life, are family. Again, thank you for taking time. Sorry it took me so long since my first post, but the month of March was a little, or maybe a lot, more tougher than I expected. There is one subject that I find myself discussing on a day to day basis is redefining myself. Some of the things that I am going to confess are very sensitive and in no way am I putting down anyone that I speak of in this blog. Every person was a very intricate part of my life.

When I was 7-years-old, myself, my mother, and younger siblings joined a church where I continued  worshiping there until I was 20-years-old. Circumstances came around when I was about 8 or 9-years-old where my mother was faced with a choice of staying at this church or leaving along with others.  God told my mother we were to continue being members. Being a child and not understanding fully of what was going on in the “world of grown-ups”, I had no choice but to follow. Over those 13 years, I found myself beaten, battered and bruised. This abuse was not physically, but emotionally. I worked from dusk to dawn to please my pastor, but in trying, I only hurt myself more. During this time, I was being told what I was supposed be and there was a certain way I was supposed to act, not even realizing what God actually wanted me to be, but because she was following God, there we were. Throughout these years, Ebony was my name, but I did not know who Ebony truly was. I was going day-to-day just existing, literally terrified. I never knew what was next. While trying to “make myself feel better”, I found myself looking for comfort through sex. This showed that I did not care about myself or my well-being. I just wanted to stop hurting.

In May of 2008, I met Jerod, the father of my children. At that time, he had just gotten out of a relationship and I was hurting as well, so, we started a really good friendship. My apartment, that I lived in alone, was burned down to where nothing was left. At this time, I felt this was a wake-up call to get myself together. Jerod and I became a couple that August and, then, I didn’t know how to be truly committed.  Jerod loved me just that much that he stayed with me and showed me how true love can heal hurts. Then, I became “Jerod/Ebony” because it was VERY rare that you saw one without the other. I tell everyone that Jerod had me spoiled. He, absolutely, did everything that he could to make me happy and in turn, I wanted to do the same. Now, with Jerod gone, I am having to redefine who I am. Not saying Jerod did not allow me to be my own person, but like I grew up, I found myself trying to please others more, even if it made me miserable.  I just wanted to make him happy.

So, on my purpose journey, I am learning Ebony.  I’m learning what I like and don’t like.  I’m learning how to make decisions without having to consider others feelings or worry about how anyone will react. Now, I am making decisions on what is best for me and my children. In making these decisions, I am following God with my children following me.  This is truly a process, but I believe anything in life that is on it’s way to greatness, has to go through a process. Until next time, Be blessed.