Category Archives: Singleness

BROKEN PIECES IN LOVE

Over two years ago, I was involved in a car accident. It was said that an accident happened behind me and pushed into my car. The third car spun in the air and landed to the right of me facing the other direction and I don’t even know how the car ended up on the left of me, but I was surrounded by damaged vehicles on every side except in the front. My vehicle was the only one able to be driven off the freeway, being that I only suffered damage from behind. Pieces from one of the cars sat on my bumper on the way to get the kids, on the ride home, and even on my way to work the next day, tucked over to the right side. I didn’t notice the pile of glass and screws until I was headed to lunch, while examining the damages in detail before driving off. I decided to get a piece of paper from my car and remove the pieces to the ground so I wouldn’t cut my hand, but I needed to move them out of the way in case I caused any damage to my tire trying to drive away from that spot. As I moved the pieces, I had to sweep them even further as to not damage any other person’s tires. Those broken pieces of glass lead me to believe this is how we do some of our relationships. You can either be the broken pieces sitting on someone’s bumper or you can be the holder of the broken pieces. Either way, both can be uncomfortable.

Be careful causing other’s to bleed from pieces of glass they didn’t break.

My children’s father and I were together for 6 1/2 years before he passed, which left me full of grief, bitterness, and anger. Now, at that time, I wasn’t honest with myself about those particular feelings, but one feeling I was most clear about was loneliness, which was normal after having someone laying next to you everyday for 6 years and suddenly you are alone. I was VERY reluctant on getting in another relationship after experiencing those emotions all at once. I, truly, didn’t want to believe, as a mother of three very small children at the time, I would even be liked let alone loved unconditionally by a man anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen many single mothers and fathers get into happy and long relationships after a heartbreak, but that way of thinking I had was a reflection of how I felt about myself. I didn’t have nearly the level of confidence I have in myself now compared to then.

Now, I have only had one or two serious relationships since my ex’s passing. The one thing I tried my best to consider in those relationships were not allowing that particular person to pay for the emotions brought on by someone previously. Just like the pile on my bumper, I didn’t want someone to have to hold on to my broken pieces trying to love me. I knew my heart wanted to love again, but I was afraid. I was afraid of wasting my time. I was afraid of being lied to again. I was afraid of even getting my hopes to be let down. All of those fears led me to not actually be serious about a relationship. I was just meeting guys to talk on the phone to sort of fill the void of companionship. Not saying I don’t have those fears still at times, but I’m learning when you allow God to truly guard and guide your heart, you can’t go wrong. There are situations we put ourselves in for whatever reason that may be, but I’ve found God will allow those situations to teach us lessons and show us what He might have been trying to protect us from.

Be careful trying to love people whole. You may end up losing some of your pieces.

With me trying not to have my broken pieces held, I’ve found myself being the holder of others’. One particular man I was with was deeply hurt in his previous relationship with his children’s mother. I found myself losing my marbles trying to understand why he tended to kind of shut down when things were going in a good direction. Through many conversations, I learned the hurt he experienced caused him not to be able to fully expect good in a relationship. He just wanted to “ride the waves” and I felt like I made more waves with my irrational behavior caused by me not fully understanding what I tried my best not to do in a relationship. I thought me being there and continuing to love him through everything would make it all better, but I had to learn the hard way it would never be possible. While he tried to protect me from his broken pieces, I found myself trying to piece them back together, so to speak, while literally cutting my hands in the process.

Studying the meaning of these pieces left on my car allowed me to take a step back and realize the parts I’ve played in my own heartbreak and even good relationships I messed up with my own hands. First, I had to forgive myself for those parts and trust the process of becoming whole. I knew I could never have a successful relationship if I didn’t deal with things internally within myself. I knew I wouldn’t be able to be receptive to the type of love and companionship I desired. I would just continue to cut others with my broken pieces and even ones I’ve picked up from other’s damages. Second, I had to learn how to effectively love myself. I can almost bet there are millions around the world who look in the mirror daily and find something they don’t like about themselves. I believe when you effectively love yourself, you love the good and the bad because both ultimately make up who you are. If you don’t love you, how can you expect someone else to love you? The good and the bad. We can try because I most certainly have, but the foundation of love starts in you. Love you the way you desire someone to give you love, maybe even more. Be Blessed.

“Why Am I Single?”

06ed372c26120b53cf55548973fd7263(1)6445212500494139446.jpgThere was a gentleman in my inbox this past week and one of his first questions were, “So why is such a beautiful woman like yourself single?” I answered with, “No reason really.” It’s funny how people often ask this question when getting to know a person and I’m still trying to figure out what is the actual reason behind asking this. I posed the same question to many of the singles’ groups I’m in on Facebook. I had hundreds of answers and the top ones were, “I refuse to settle”, “I haven’t been found yet”, “I haven’t found the one yet”, “I’m working on loving myself”, “I am working on finishing up my degree and starting my career”, I’m focusing on my kids”, or the famous, “It’s my choice”. When I became single, I believed God was punishing me. What I, then, started to do was try to make a relationship happen on my own, accepting just about any and everything. I had several prospects hanging around so much so I rarely felt lonely. Of course, those prospects only got me so far when I knew in my heart what I truly want in a long-term relationship.

When given this assignment to speak on this topic, I went to google to find blogs and other writings about what the Bible says about singleness. Most of them spoke on how singleness is a gift from God and there were many scriptures given but I Corinthians 7:25-40 was the best description I could find if I wanted to have this question answered through the Bible. In 1st Corinthians, Paul is the writer of this book. The title in the NIV version is “Concerning The Unmarried”. To me when I read this specific section, Paul stated it is better for a person to stay how they are, as in being single. He basically started to talk about all of these different things involving a single person, as well as, a married person. He was, ultimately, trying to spare the people to whom he was writing to. Out of this portion, verses 32 through 35 stuck out to me the most. “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” The last part just stated to me, choose what you will, but he’s admitting this advice to help them keep their devotion to God. I believe with Paul being a man and knowing a bit about the troubles of the world, he suggested it was better to remain single and if you were married, act as if you weren’t in regards to your relationship with God. I can ultimately relate to his reasons why.

I know, myself, in a new relationship, you swear I just bought a new phone or something. I put almost all of my energy into getting to know him. I spend as much time as I can, physically in person and talking and texting throughout the day and night, which is sometimes hard with having three young people under you all the time but that’s a whole separate subject. My last boyfriend and I met, reconnected, formed, what I thought was a solid friendship, and became a couple all over again in a matter of 3 years. During that time, I had, also, started going back to school, the boys started football, and baby girl became a cheerleader. So, I had all of that on top of having this new, blissful relationship. One thing that didn’t change was my service to God. I didn’t miss opportunities to minister or attend church services but you bet I was rushing out of whatever setting I was in with the quickness to either see him or talk to him. As I remembered this, I’m now wondering, when did I rush home to spend time with God during that same time? When did I hurry up and get to my car so I can talk to Him, as I do now that we’ve broken up? Through this lesson, I’ve learned where I’m slipping as far as relationships. Just because I’m in a relationship with a man, this shouldn’t mean I lose my relationship with God. I believe that’s what Paul was stating as far as a single person and a married person. So I questioned myself, if I’m concerning myself with worldly things as an unmarried woman with a boyfriend, how can God trust me to keep my relationship with Him, if He sends my husband right now.

“A woman’s heart must be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him to find her.” -Maya Angelou

So, the initial question was, “why am I single?” My answer would be, “because God needs me to be”. Many people look at singleness as some type of disease or a process God takes you through as punishment to think about the things you’ve done in life. I think singleness is a gift and needs to be embraced, but I feel it’s sometimes hard to embrace something that makes you feel as if you’ve been placed on a back burner or just totally forgotten about. Then, it’s also hard to not long for something that you’ve felt before. It’s an amazing feeling, for me, to have that one person that you can go to and talk to about your day or anything that’s bothering you or just feel a hug or touch from them or a gentle kiss. It’s hard to not want that for yourself forever. Even though sometimes what you have had in the past started out as what you would want to see forever, but ended in heartbreak, it doesn’t stop you from actually wanting that “real thing” that you had in the beginning or, maybe even, totally opposite than what you had as far as the heartbreak is concerned. So, what I would say is singleness is used to build your relationship with yourself and Christ. Maya Angelou said it best, “A woman’s heart must be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him to find her.” Now, that doesn’t mean that I am going to hide out at home. I’m still going to go out, have fun, and enjoy myself and time with friends and loved ones. If God chooses to throw a man in there somewhere, I’ll be open to the idea of God allowing me to have what I desire, but through my deeper relationship in Him, I’ll know when it’s Him sending him or me just “making it happen”. Be Blessed.

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