I’m so messed up right now. My dad is gone and I don’t know how. Receiving the news hurt me so. It’s so hard that it pierced my soul. Daddy left and didn’t say bye. Will there be another time that I can say “Hi?” I know that crying won’t being him back, but he was always there when I lacked. Losing my Daddy hurt from the start. Now, you tell me how could a Dad break your heart.
You were always that one factor in my life
That constant that was always the same
But suddenly that factor was cracked
And you started to constantly change
You would smile at me and I loved you
The warmth that radiated was contagious
then the smile turned to harsh judgment
and the accusations became outrageous
You’re not worth my love anymore
You started saying over and over again
But where did this come, this loathing and hate
I thought you were that one true friend
How did this happen to me, to us
We were always on one accord
Where did this malice come from
How did we come to this discord
Like so many others, the hurt that I felt
Wasn’t coming from another place
It came from the most unlikely source
The mirror that held my face
How could this happen to me?
Quite frankly, I am not alone.
I had to re-set my mind and push forward
Until the self sabotage was gone.
I was breaking my own heart
By not believing in me
And now, I have changed my outlook
And becoming who I was destined to be
*This selection was taken from my blog called “The Reality Facing Don Parker.” In general, the collection is based on the thoughts of Don (Ralphy) Parker [my made up character/alter ego] as he comes to terms with his lust for women and problems with temptation.*
We sat in the room together,
eyes barely meeting yet greeted in coldness.
Maybe now answers can be voiced with a third party involved.
The professional acknowledges us as the seat in the middle is taken.
I just want to be heard.
She wants to be rid of me,
the morbid scenery of a damaged love.
“Who wants to express their feelings first?” the question is asked.
“Talk about your feelings within and be honest and transparent.”
Something we haven’t been with each other in almost eternity.
Silence dragged along for an unknown torturous time.
I’m tired of sharing my feelings yet I presented my canvas as such:
“I wish we could go back to a time where everything was innocent. No lust, no attraction; just being good friends who talked and laughed about any and everything. Who picked fun about others and encouraged each other all of the time. We had fun just being around each other. But we allowed lust to come between us. We chased after a passion that should have never been. As a result, we’re here right now without the ability to look at each other nevertheless talk to each other. I miss my friend.”
The awkwardness of the room intensified as silence continued to lay hold of their speech.
Boldness gave me comfort as I stared deep into her near teary eyes
and it was that moment I refused to try to read her.
I denied any vibe she may have projected toward me.
It didn’t even matter if she responded or not.
I said my peace.
I convinced myself of the honesty of what I was holding on to.
Her eroticism drove me crazy, yes!
But it was said pleasure that caused confusion between us.
The yearning had to die,
even though our bond was far beyond ghost by said moment
in closing my eyes I asked to be excused.
The professional, still shocked by my honesty, gave me the go ahead
and I left the room, never to return.
One of the few things I regret was ever loving her beyond a friend
that may very well be her transparent response too.
The thought of the thrill is exciting, Anticipating to be picked, Being navigated to your place, Strapped in…ready, set, go. No turning back now. Here comes the adrenaline Frontin’ and stuntin’ as if I never second guessed, Thinking to self may be this is not a good idea Seeing how others whispered about their experiences. Yeah I thought…I’m different what I can handle others may not. Slowly there’s movement, Escalating to higher heights, Loving the excitement, the anticipation of this journey. So I throw my hands up, As instructed. I trust what was said Not knowing what lies ahead. Approaching there’s a drop as far as I can see. So here goes nothing Swooosh…….. In full speed taking every frontal hit. I can’t quit now because I’m in too deep Thinking where’s everyone. They could’ve stopped me I’m screaming…out of fear and confusion as to why in the hell did I do this to myself. The more I screamed the weaker my voice became I couldn’t hear myself due to the screaming of the instructor. Not knowing the instructor didn’t know what to do either. Blind leading the blind. Only rule given was to trust you. Beaten and battered by the winds. At this point I gave up I quit I just wanted it to come to an end. Finally back to a stop waiting on Instructions to be released. I sit and wait. No Instructions given Before getting frustrated I hear a sound. A sound of freedom. A sign to move as quickly as possible to the right. Walking quickly to get away as far as I can. Stopped to turn back to make sure I captured mentally what that ride looked like to never ride it again.
There’s an overcast over my heart and the clouds are filling with the emotions I feel in this life. Many storms have rolled in from all directions and they are now targeting my most valuable possession. My heart. My heart is feeling pain today that I can’t even put into words. I want to empty them out but there seems to be a blockage that’s keeping me from the flow that I am used to functioning in. So I go for a drive, piano music playing but the overcast seems to be following me everywhere I go. I wanna run to him and pour my soul out but he’s preoccupied with his own cares to even see the clouds forming in my eyes. I’m just about to erupt but I decide to keep driving. I’ve come to a place where the water is moving so briskly, but so are the clouds. They seem to know exactly how I am feeling on the inside. I want to release the moisture building in the corners of my eyes but who will hear the words my tears are speaking. Each tear is a word of release so that I can breathe again. So my heart can live again. These tears are a release of the aching in my heart. Releasing the heaviness of this day. Winds of comfort, blow the overcast away and allow a ray of hope that it won’t always be this way. Overcast.
I never thought my last time would’ve been my last time,
My last time gazing into your round brown eyes
Losing myself into a “promised” future without any worries or whys.
My last time feeling your strong embrace.
You always said I possessed so much Dignity & Grace.
My last time feeling the warmth of your lips pressed against mine.
Our hearts engulfed with the feeling of being in love and instantly aligned.
My last time hearing you hum sweet melodies in my ear.
You made me a priority showing me your love was genuinely real and sincere.
My last time anticipating our private getaways from the stress of life,
Hoping and praying one day you would make me your wife.
My last time hearing your soft yet stern manly voice,
Knowing that loving you was the right choice.
Now I’m here staring at these four walls,
Reminiscing on how I had it all.
Hurt from the pain we both caused,
Asking myself would things be different if I would’ve pressed pause.
If I would’ve stopped the jealousy, negative comments, and thoughts,
Maybe an uphill battle would have never been fought.
I told you once, I’ve told you twice.
No one would ever compare to you in my life.
But it’s a must I free myself from loving you,
In order for my broken heart to heal and become a better brand new.
Someone wake me up, this has to be a bad dream. This isn’t real life. It can’t be what it seems.
I never imagined this is where I’d fall. Take this heart of mine, I don’t want it at all.
I don’t want to feel this pressure, can’t seem to leave this pain. Love was supposed to be my aggressor, but can’t help thinking it was all in vein
Love was supposed to cover my scars with care and finesse, Not leave me uncovered, exposed, emotionally undressed.
Love was supposed to put together my broken pieces, Upholding the standard of the previous thesis.
Love was supposed to be my inspiration, my muse. Love was supposed to be my light in the dark, the spark to my fuse.
So here I am broken and tattered, Discontent, discarded and scattered,Knowing that love is everything good intended.
I question was it ever really love or your own self-centered intervention?
I looked into 100 pair of eyes today and my day still didn’t start until I looked into yours. I have sang on many stages, met a million people, signed thousands of autographs, took several pictures but until I came to this point. The point where I could smell your scent. That very scent that draws me to you like a magnet. Until I came to this point where I could hear your whisper. That very sound that you make when you are lying in my arms. Until I came to this point where I can feel your touch. That very touch that sends chills all over my body. That touch that makes holding your hand feel like the first time we made love. Until I came to this point where I could gaze deep into your eyes.
They say your eyes are the gateway to your soul. So our souls connected on a level that no man can understand. My definition of true love is your souls recognition to its counterpart in another. And since the first time I looked into your eyes I knew you were the one. You are that very one that was taken from me to complete me. I knew you were the the one that is the STRENGTH in my weakness, JOY in my pain, PEACE in my anger. You complete me! Without you its like I’m missing half a brain. Meaning I can still function but I’m limited. Maybe you don’t understand, I can breathe but can’t move. See without u I’m incomplete.
I looked into 100 pair of eyes today and my day still didn’t start until I looked into yours.
For you are the one that makes time speed up when I’m doing things that I really don’t wanna do like going to work, school or just chillen at home all alone. You are the one that makes time stop, actually it ceases to exist when I hear your voice. With just one touch you take me to places that I’ve never been. Intimacy on another dimension if that makes any since. Yes it does ya see… ecstasy was not fantasy it was reality. I was not sleeping nor was I dreaming. I was awake but reality was so orchestrated like a beautiful symphony. You would have thought that it was all in my mind but it all started in your eyes.
I looked into 100 pair of eyes today and my day still didn’t start until I looked into yours.
For in your eyes I see truth. The things you feel but don’t say. The small lies you tell so that I don’t worry. The hurt you feel but don’t know how to express it. I told you that you complete me and we are one. So no matter what you say with your mouth your eyes never lie. In your eyes I see when u pull away, I see when you have given up or go all in. They say your eyes are the gateway to your soul. And our souls have connected on a level that no man can understand. So before tonight ends turn around so I can do it all again!!!
He asked me, “what are you not telling me”
I replied “nothing my dear”
Telling him the truth was something I feared
I decided on that day
To show him how I felt
So I let him undress my soul
And I let him walk on in
He stood inside my soul
Dark and cold
Pictures that used to be filled with life
Laid broken on the floor
The good memories I had, were replaced with pain and hurt
The heart that was once big and bold
Stood locked away in a lit bubble
He walked towards the bubble
And he glanced inside
It was one gleam of light
That caught him in the eyes
It was a memory of us.
The first time we said hello
The warmth and care in his voice
Kept that light lit for so long
He never knew that when she told him she loved him, it wasn’t with her heart but with her soul.
As he slowly came to realize, what her soul barred. He started looking around, and saw more pieces of him in there.
She had decorated her soul with his childhood memories that brought him both joy and pain. She built walls with his horror stories, so he’d never have to deal with them again.
She made a lock and key with his secrets, she buried them deep inside. She built a new heart with his kisses, and that is where her being resides.
He cleaned up and set up some things, hoping the light would spread. He turned around and closed the door and this is what he said.
“I know why you love me. I know how. I know when. But the fact that you love me with your soul, we will never end.”
All I could do was smile with comfort and relief, because all the things I’ve never told him, he knew and I never had to say a thing.
My my my, where should I begin Shaped in iniquity born into sin. Father was never around how I wanted him to be & for a long time I blamed myself was blind and couldn’t see. Didn’t feel love from the woman that gave me life. Her & I never got along it was always harsh words, built up hostility, & strife. Feeling like the black sheep of my family, Didn’t surprise me when I ended up in the penitentiary. See I never knew how to properly love Really started to believe there was no God up above. See I was the young girl that was built like a grown woman Which made me desirable in the eyes of grown men & back to back they started coming. No self love or worth didn’t realize the value within myself. Reasons why I allowed guys to use me sexually & place me back on a shelf. Lost & lonely in a cruel cruel world Not knowing or realizing the love I truly deserved. Didn’t care how I acted, cared less on how I spoke Almost seen my last days off some hard laced dope. Raped by who I thought was my sister’s friend During it I really wish my life would end. Withdrew from my family & was always depressed I made myself sick; started having health issues because I was down in the dumps beyond stressed. Because I had so much self hate & built up insecurities I gave birth three times for three different men putting up with all the cussing damning & pure foolery. Accepted lies, disrespect, & all types of abuse Started doing drugs & drinking alcohol daily misuse. My heart was empty & cold that’s when I immediately decided to put true love on hold. First baby daddy held a gun to my head daring to blow my brains out is what he said. He left his mark on me with his hand print he was the first hit to my heart which left a major dent. Second baby daddy allowed his family to disrespect me as the mother of his child. So because I didn’t know how to love properly I attempted to poison him, but it was very mild. Third baby daddy chased me for two months before I agreed to a date. I truly thought I had found my soulmate. Little did I know it was all a facade. He ended up in prison & I found myself playing Bonnie to his Clyde risking it all for a fraud. He was the type that if he couldn’t have me no one else could. I spent many restless nights staring out my window waiting to unload the wood. When I finally was set free I vowed to find myself & walk into who I was created to be. New city new state Looking forward to starting over with a clean slate. Started visiting a place I grew up in. I knew there I was able to forgive myself of all my undesirable sins. Then one day I met this man who captured my soul. With his voice and passion in his words I started to feel whole. I began to feel at peace. Everything I was blaming myself for in my past had cease. I had connected to my confidant, protector, what I thought was an amazing man. I supported him in all his endeavors. I was his biggest fan. Daily conversations & chemistry at its best. My heart beat matched his; I could feel it thru his chest. Every time we saw one another it was an instant attraction. I felt like a giddy school girl who just had her first kiss you could see it in my reaction. I had fallen in love with a man who captured my soul spiritually. A man I could learn from about life but most importantly biblically. As time progressed we started to drift apart. I wondered why, come to find out another female was tugging at his heart. The same way he use to look at me with fire in his eye, That flame had been put out & I was left high & dry. He no longer found the desire to love or help me grow. I was thrown back into the river facing backlash from an upstream flow. Unfortunately I had lost my confidant, but it was bound to happen. See the man I fell in love with so happened to be married. Secrets of us was the most heaviest burden I ever carried. Yes yes we both knew our relationship was wrong, But the feelings I had for him were uncontrollable & so strong. My connector had moved on not only with his wife, but with this other female. The feelings he proclaimed to have for me that ship had sailed. Now, back to this cruel cruel world lost, Promising to find myself by any means necessary, no matter the cost.