Yesterday you allowed me to see something that I did not understand until later on. It wasn’t something that I was looking for. It’s just something that came across my view. But what I saw kind of threw off my day. I became agitated, irritated, just pathetic. When I had finally gotten to the point to where I became over it, all was well. What I saw still sat in the back of my mind, but it didn’t bother me like it had earlier in the day. I watched the movie of a couple go from middle school to high school with all these dreams to be together forever and what I saw came back to me like a ton of bricks. So when the movie ended I do what many single mothers do in pain. Turn the shower on, turn the music up as loud as I can, get in the shower, and cry my heart out to you. But, instead of thinking about everything that is going wrong, even though that’s how my cry started out, I begin to think about everything you do right. You make everything happen for a reason. If you did not allow me to see what I saw on yesterday, I would not have thought to release myself from whomever I needed to release myself from. I would not have broken soul ties that needed to be broken from my life. A few hours before Valentine’s Day, I cried my heart out to you. Told you how much I love you. I told you how much I needed you. I released my heart to you. I released my life to you. I released my soul and my spirit to you. I fully submitted my life to you. And as I watched the water go down the drain of the tub, I proclaimed the tears in that same water go down the drain forever. I will not have to cry about this again. I told you how I still have the faith to believe in you and Trust in the plan you have for me. I told you I wanted my desire to match your plan and purpose for my life. I believe you are going to give me the desires of my heart because I totally depend on you to have my heart and never break it. I love you. You have my heart Forever and always.
Over two years ago, I was involved in a car accident. It was said that an accident happened behind me and pushed into my car. The third car spun in the air and landed to the right of me facing the other direction and I don’t even know how the car ended up on the left of me, but I was surrounded by damaged vehicles on every side except in the front. My vehicle was the only one able to be driven off the freeway, being that I only suffered damage from behind. Pieces from one of the cars sat on my bumper on the way to get the kids, on the ride home, and even on my way to work the next day, tucked over to the right side. I didn’t notice the pile of glass and screws until I was headed to lunch, while examining the damages in detail before driving off. I decided to get a piece of paper from my car and remove the pieces to the ground so I wouldn’t cut my hand, but I needed to move them out of the way in case I caused any damage to my tire trying to drive away from that spot. As I moved the pieces, I had to sweep them even further as to not damage any other person’s tires. Those broken pieces of glass lead me to believe this is how we do some of our relationships. You can either be the broken pieces sitting on someone’s bumper or you can be the holder of the broken pieces. Either way, both can be uncomfortable.
Be careful causing other’s to bleed from pieces of glass they didn’t break.
My children’s father and I were together for 6 1/2 years before he passed, which left me full of grief, bitterness, and anger. Now, at that time, I wasn’t honest with myself about those particular feelings, but one feeling I was most clear about was loneliness, which was normal after having someone laying next to you everyday for 6 years and suddenly you are alone. I was VERY reluctant on getting in another relationship after experiencing those emotions all at once. I, truly, didn’t want to believe, as a mother of three very small children at the time, I would even be liked let alone loved unconditionally by a man anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve seen many single mothers and fathers get into happy and long relationships after a heartbreak, but that way of thinking I had was a reflection of how I felt about myself. I didn’t have nearly the level of confidence I have in myself now compared to then.
Now, I have only had one or two serious relationships since my ex’s passing. The one thing I tried my best to consider in those relationships were not allowing that particular person to pay for the emotions brought on by someone previously. Just like the pile on my bumper, I didn’t want someone to have to hold on to my broken pieces trying to love me. I knew my heart wanted to love again, but I was afraid. I was afraid of wasting my time. I was afraid of being lied to again. I was afraid of even getting my hopes to be let down. All of those fears led me to not actually be serious about a relationship. I was just meeting guys to talk on the phone to sort of fill the void of companionship. Not saying I don’t have those fears still at times, but I’m learning when you allow God to truly guard and guide your heart, you can’t go wrong. There are situations we put ourselves in for whatever reason that may be, but I’ve found God will allow those situations to teach us lessons and show us what He might have been trying to protect us from.
Be careful trying to love people whole. You may end up losing some of your pieces.
With me trying not to have my broken pieces held, I’ve found myself being the holder of others’. One particular man I was with was deeply hurt in his previous relationship with his children’s mother. I found myself losing my marbles trying to understand why he tended to kind of shut down when things were going in a good direction. Through many conversations, I learned the hurt he experienced caused him not to be able to fully expect good in a relationship. He just wanted to “ride the waves” and I felt like I made more waves with my irrational behavior caused by me not fully understanding what I tried my best not to do in a relationship. I thought me being there and continuing to love him through everything would make it all better, but I had to learn the hard way it would never be possible. While he tried to protect me from his broken pieces, I found myself trying to piece them back together, so to speak, while literally cutting my hands in the process.
Studying the meaning of these pieces left on my car allowed me to take a step back and realize the parts I’ve played in my own heartbreak and even good relationships I messed up with my own hands. First, I had to forgive myself for those parts and trust the process of becoming whole. I knew I could never have a successful relationship if I didn’t deal with things internally within myself. I knew I wouldn’t be able to be receptive to the type of love and companionship I desired. I would just continue to cut others with my broken pieces and even ones I’ve picked up from other’s damages. Second, I had to learn how to effectively love myself. I can almost bet there are millions around the world who look in the mirror daily and find something they don’t like about themselves. I believe when you effectively love yourself, you love the good and the bad because both ultimately make up who you are. If you don’t love you, how can you expect someone else to love you? The good and the bad. We can try because I most certainly have, but the foundation of love starts in you. Love you the way you desire someone to give you love, maybe even more. Be Blessed.
I looked into 100 pair of eyes today and my day still didn’t start until I looked into yours. I have sang on many stages, met a million people, signed thousands of autographs, took several pictures but until I came to this point. The point where I could smell your scent. That very scent that draws me to you like a magnet. Until I came to this point where I could hear your whisper. That very sound that you make when you are lying in my arms. Until I came to this point where I can feel your touch. That very touch that sends chills all over my body. That touch that makes holding your hand feel like the first time we made love. Until I came to this point where I could gaze deep into your eyes.
They say your eyes are the gateway to your soul. So our souls connected on a level that no man can understand. My definition of true love is your souls recognition to its counterpart in another. And since the first time I looked into your eyes I knew you were the one. You are that very one that was taken from me to complete me. I knew you were the the one that is the STRENGTH in my weakness, JOY in my pain, PEACE in my anger. You complete me! Without you its like I’m missing half a brain. Meaning I can still function but I’m limited. Maybe you don’t understand, I can breathe but can’t move. See without u I’m incomplete.
I looked into 100 pair of eyes today and my day still didn’t start until I looked into yours.
For you are the one that makes time speed up when I’m doing things that I really don’t wanna do like going to work, school or just chillen at home all alone. You are the one that makes time stop, actually it ceases to exist when I hear your voice. With just one touch you take me to places that I’ve never been. Intimacy on another dimension if that makes any since. Yes it does ya see… ecstasy was not fantasy it was reality. I was not sleeping nor was I dreaming. I was awake but reality was so orchestrated like a beautiful symphony. You would have thought that it was all in my mind but it all started in your eyes.
I looked into 100 pair of eyes today and my day still didn’t start until I looked into yours.
For in your eyes I see truth. The things you feel but don’t say. The small lies you tell so that I don’t worry. The hurt you feel but don’t know how to express it. I told you that you complete me and we are one. So no matter what you say with your mouth your eyes never lie. In your eyes I see when u pull away, I see when you have given up or go all in. They say your eyes are the gateway to your soul. And our souls have connected on a level that no man can understand. So before tonight ends turn around so I can do it all again!!!
He asked me, “what are you not telling me”
I replied “nothing my dear”
Telling him the truth was something I feared
I decided on that day
To show him how I felt
So I let him undress my soul
And I let him walk on in
He stood inside my soul
Dark and cold
Pictures that used to be filled with life
Laid broken on the floor
The good memories I had, were replaced with pain and hurt
The heart that was once big and bold
Stood locked away in a lit bubble
He walked towards the bubble
And he glanced inside
It was one gleam of light
That caught him in the eyes
It was a memory of us.
The first time we said hello
The warmth and care in his voice
Kept that light lit for so long
He never knew that when she told him she loved him, it wasn’t with her heart but with her soul.
As he slowly came to realize, what her soul barred. He started looking around, and saw more pieces of him in there.
She had decorated her soul with his childhood memories that brought him both joy and pain. She built walls with his horror stories, so he’d never have to deal with them again.
She made a lock and key with his secrets, she buried them deep inside. She built a new heart with his kisses, and that is where her being resides.
He cleaned up and set up some things, hoping the light would spread. He turned around and closed the door and this is what he said.
“I know why you love me. I know how. I know when. But the fact that you love me with your soul, we will never end.”
All I could do was smile with comfort and relief, because all the things I’ve never told him, he knew and I never had to say a thing.
My my my, where should I begin Shaped in iniquity born into sin. Father was never around how I wanted him to be & for a long time I blamed myself was blind and couldn’t see. Didn’t feel love from the woman that gave me life. Her & I never got along it was always harsh words, built up hostility, & strife. Feeling like the black sheep of my family, Didn’t surprise me when I ended up in the penitentiary. See I never knew how to properly love Really started to believe there was no God up above. See I was the young girl that was built like a grown woman Which made me desirable in the eyes of grown men & back to back they started coming. No self love or worth didn’t realize the value within myself. Reasons why I allowed guys to use me sexually & place me back on a shelf. Lost & lonely in a cruel cruel world Not knowing or realizing the love I truly deserved. Didn’t care how I acted, cared less on how I spoke Almost seen my last days off some hard laced dope. Raped by who I thought was my sister’s friend During it I really wish my life would end. Withdrew from my family & was always depressed I made myself sick; started having health issues because I was down in the dumps beyond stressed. Because I had so much self hate & built up insecurities I gave birth three times for three different men putting up with all the cussing damning & pure foolery. Accepted lies, disrespect, & all types of abuse Started doing drugs & drinking alcohol daily misuse. My heart was empty & cold that’s when I immediately decided to put true love on hold. First baby daddy held a gun to my head daring to blow my brains out is what he said. He left his mark on me with his hand print he was the first hit to my heart which left a major dent. Second baby daddy allowed his family to disrespect me as the mother of his child. So because I didn’t know how to love properly I attempted to poison him, but it was very mild. Third baby daddy chased me for two months before I agreed to a date. I truly thought I had found my soulmate. Little did I know it was all a facade. He ended up in prison & I found myself playing Bonnie to his Clyde risking it all for a fraud. He was the type that if he couldn’t have me no one else could. I spent many restless nights staring out my window waiting to unload the wood. When I finally was set free I vowed to find myself & walk into who I was created to be. New city new state Looking forward to starting over with a clean slate. Started visiting a place I grew up in. I knew there I was able to forgive myself of all my undesirable sins. Then one day I met this man who captured my soul. With his voice and passion in his words I started to feel whole. I began to feel at peace. Everything I was blaming myself for in my past had cease. I had connected to my confidant, protector, what I thought was an amazing man. I supported him in all his endeavors. I was his biggest fan. Daily conversations & chemistry at its best. My heart beat matched his; I could feel it thru his chest. Every time we saw one another it was an instant attraction. I felt like a giddy school girl who just had her first kiss you could see it in my reaction. I had fallen in love with a man who captured my soul spiritually. A man I could learn from about life but most importantly biblically. As time progressed we started to drift apart. I wondered why, come to find out another female was tugging at his heart. The same way he use to look at me with fire in his eye, That flame had been put out & I was left high & dry. He no longer found the desire to love or help me grow. I was thrown back into the river facing backlash from an upstream flow. Unfortunately I had lost my confidant, but it was bound to happen. See the man I fell in love with so happened to be married. Secrets of us was the most heaviest burden I ever carried. Yes yes we both knew our relationship was wrong, But the feelings I had for him were uncontrollable & so strong. My connector had moved on not only with his wife, but with this other female. The feelings he proclaimed to have for me that ship had sailed. Now, back to this cruel cruel world lost, Promising to find myself by any means necessary, no matter the cost.
“Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.”
– Fulton Sheen
Heartbreak, just like Love, is universal. Everyone has experienced it. Some of us have experienced it from family, a significant other, and, even our children. From my own experience, I believe, the biggest issue I may possess is I put a lot of trust and faith in people. I’m the type of person where I always “give the benefit of the doubt”. I have found this to be a blessing and a curse, at times. There’s a blessing in giving people a chance. Sometimes that chance may have been just what they needed to move forward. Now, that chance can be beneficial to you or a life-learned lesson for you, either way that lesson hurt and maybe even more because you took that chance, even after being hurt previously. What I’ve learned through this process is it never stops us from trying again. No matter how many pieces the heart may break into, I’m learning it can always be mended and there’s ALWAYS a blessing believing that much. The featured poets wrote about different types of Heartbreak that we all have felt at one point in time or, even, right at this very moment. Enjoy.
“I wish i were a little girl again, because skinned knees are easier to fix than broken heart.”
– Julia Roberts
“In My Feelings” By Rhoshonda Adkison
“Turbulent Roller-Coaster Ride” By Kenisha Jones
“The Last Time” By Ariel Mond
“The End All” By James Newell
“Torn” By Laquiesha Duncan
“How Did This Happen To Me?” By Zahra Bailey
“How Could A Dad Break Your Heart” By Octavia Jones
The touch it gives places me in a space of comfort and safety when I am neither content nor protected.
I lay my sight upon its face with eyes filled with pureness and generosity, which can only be given by a true lover or a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
As the well-known song is played bursting with ready-made promises, I defend its character instantly and put my trust in these common lyrics that tend to attach themselves to my heart like stitches, binding the wounds made by another.
As my tears flood my ears, like the lyrics, feelings of hope and peace wipe them away, giving a sense I thought I lost.
The taste of my sweetness on the lips of this imagination displays willingness to devour all of me with no limits, giving the complacency of love to take a good grip.
With all these senses, I gain remorse and shame, despair and agony, resentment and anger, which cost me my ambition, my confidence, and nearly my life.
This love gave me sense. Sense enough to live, even if it was just a fantasy.
“Love is like the wind, you can’t see it but you can feel it.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember
These awesome poets, who will be featured right here with myself, willingly responded to the call. Some sent what they already had written and others wrote something new and sent it. At first, as I emailed everyone individually. I didn’t give a topic, but I knew, when the idea came about, I wanted to talk about LOVE first. I didn’t want to limit anyone, but the topic was set in stone when at least two of the poets said they were going to write on it. As these poems started rolling in, the more excited I became and knew this was the PERFECT topic for our first round. Love is universal. Everyone feels it at some point of time in your life, whether it be as a child, as an adult, while you’re single, married, or divorced. What I’ve learned about love is, everyone doesn’t feel it the same way. Emotions are different. Reactions to receiving and giving it are different. While reading these pieces, through these poets words, I felt that love and pray you feel the same love as well, or at least can relate to feeling it at one point of time. Enjoy.
“Amber” By Ann M. Browne
“The Kaleidoscope Effect” By Kenisha Jones
“The End All” By James Newell
“Lost By Love” By Octavia Jones
“A Heart That Loves” By Rhoshonda Adkison
“All The Things I Couldn’t Tell Him” By Ego Slayer